Confidence cannot be purchased [BLOG+VIDEO]

Confidence cannot be purchased

Most people have a pretty good grasp on the "money doesn't buy happiness" concept.

We're pretty good at understanding that a boat isn't necessarily going to make us enjoy life anymore than we already are; that we can't spend our way into that elusive state of "happiness".

But too many people get burned or sidetracked trying to buy their way into another elusive state- confidence.

Searching for confidence outside of you can actually drain your confidence

Selling confidence is very pervasive. Everything from jeans to cars to self help seminars are marketed in a way that implies you're a purchase away from achieving it. But it's always outside of you!

The most popular and presumably(?) effective self help entities like Landmark or Tony Robbins seminars use all sorts of techniques to help you unlock the confidence that naturally exists inside you- absolutely correct, but they still operate on a crucial, underlying implication- that they hold the answers, there's something wrong with you, and those answers remain outside of you.

The odd person might catch lightning and have a weekend seminar truly unlock a permanent change in their confidence. But for most, it's like that new pair of jeans- the impact will begin to rapidly fade as time passes. 


"a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities"
Yes, there are people that can help you unlock your confidence with techniques or insights. Some are incredible at what they do, but there are far more people making these kinds of promises that can't even come close. It's part of the reason I don't want to be associated with "life" coaching- there are far too many life coaches, self help gurus and straight up con artists promising to unlock something that's already there.

Put in the work!

Building confidence, if you don't naturally have it, is a fucking grind. It is built one brick at a time, and is usually a 3 steps forward, 2 steps back kind of process. But it's all you! No one can help you 24/7. None of these people are going to give you the time of day if you don't have money. As Nike says, just do it- firmly keeping in mind Nike doesn't give a shit what you do if you if you can't afford their shoes. 
There are people and products that genuinely do want to help you have more confidence, and sometimes it works. Lots of people credit their success to all sorts of outside sources, and maybe if you just really like shoes and had to work your ass off to get a pair they can serve as a reminder of your own abilities.
But it can be a dangerous game, as the more you rely on outside sources to "buy' confidence, it can be like becoming dependent on drugs. You have not built up confidence naturally through your actions, and have to get your fix elsewhere- and of course, with an ever increasing dose.
I cannot tell you the amount of outwardly confident young, affluent men I have talked with who deep down, have the confidence of an abused shelter dog. They are just running from one promotion, car or bag of coke to another to keep the facade going.
There is no single, universally effective technique for building confidence. But I believe the most effective, and what helped myself was to simply start setting modest goals of increasing intensity and achieving them. That's it. There's wildly different sets of goals that are needed for each individual that will build confidence (usually whatever you really don't like doing or have been putting off) .
Your confidence grows as you successfully complete what seems like fairly easy goals, and before you know it, you're doing things you never dreamed possible. But that's kind of tough to market. It always has to be some secret, some sexy, mysterious path to confidence or happiness. Or instant "confidence" like the purchase of physical objects seem to promise.
Try to avoid "buying" confidence- it's usually short lived, if it even works at all. Not to mention what a transparent quality confidence is; it's pretty easy to tell who's faking it and who actually has it. Confidence is pulling up to the club in a SmartCar, not a Lamborghini.
P.S. The last line went too far- don't pull up to a club in a SmartCar.

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